Post by westgold on Jun 20, 2011 9:53:49 GMT 9
Do you find yourself saying things to your child during an argument without even thinking about it? Let’s face it, it’s almost impossible to be detached or objective when your child is in your face fighting with you. And naturally, it feels like a personal attack when he’s saying rude things or calling you names. During those moments, it’s all too easy to respond with something hurtful. All of a sudden, your feelings take over—your emotions jump into the driver’s seat and your thinking moves into the back seat.
Almost every parent has gotten mad and said things to their kids they wish they could take back. The trick is to figure out how to remain in control so you don’t end up saying something you’ll regret. Though this is easier said than done, trust me, it is possible—and it’s a skill you can learn, just like anything else.
On the Parental Support Line, we hear from people all the time after they’ve had arguments with their kids. They call us to get perspective and to find out ways they can manage their children’s behavior—and their own responses—more effectively. Here are some examples of the types of phrases I believe you should avoid saying to your child during an argument. (Later, I’ll suggest some things you can say—and do—instead.)
1. “That’s ridiculous! How can you be upset about that?”
If you have a teenager in the house, you’ve probably seen him get upset about issues that seem insignificant or petty. You wonder how he can stomp into his room and slam the door just because his girlfriend didn’t text him back immediately. While his behavior might seem ridiculous by adult standards, try to refrain from invalidating his feelings.Think about a scenario where you’ve been upset and someone has brushed off your emotions. How did that make you feel? When a child believes his thoughts or feelings have been denied, not only does he feel more isolated, he’s liable to get even more angry, frustrated and moody.
So if your child says, “You never take my side; you’re always on my brother’s side,” during an argument, and you reply, “No, that’s not true,” that’s also a form of invalidation. Instead of saying, “That’s not true,” I think you could say, “Well, I see that a little differently. Tell me more about how you see it.” By the way, you wouldn’t want to ask that question during an argument, because it will just draw out the fighting and give your child more ammunition. Do it afterward, when he has calmed down and is ready to talk.
www.hybridmom.com/articles/family-parenting/parenting/6-things-you-should-never-say-your-child
Almost every parent has gotten mad and said things to their kids they wish they could take back. The trick is to figure out how to remain in control so you don’t end up saying something you’ll regret. Though this is easier said than done, trust me, it is possible—and it’s a skill you can learn, just like anything else.
On the Parental Support Line, we hear from people all the time after they’ve had arguments with their kids. They call us to get perspective and to find out ways they can manage their children’s behavior—and their own responses—more effectively. Here are some examples of the types of phrases I believe you should avoid saying to your child during an argument. (Later, I’ll suggest some things you can say—and do—instead.)
1. “That’s ridiculous! How can you be upset about that?”
If you have a teenager in the house, you’ve probably seen him get upset about issues that seem insignificant or petty. You wonder how he can stomp into his room and slam the door just because his girlfriend didn’t text him back immediately. While his behavior might seem ridiculous by adult standards, try to refrain from invalidating his feelings.Think about a scenario where you’ve been upset and someone has brushed off your emotions. How did that make you feel? When a child believes his thoughts or feelings have been denied, not only does he feel more isolated, he’s liable to get even more angry, frustrated and moody.
So if your child says, “You never take my side; you’re always on my brother’s side,” during an argument, and you reply, “No, that’s not true,” that’s also a form of invalidation. Instead of saying, “That’s not true,” I think you could say, “Well, I see that a little differently. Tell me more about how you see it.” By the way, you wouldn’t want to ask that question during an argument, because it will just draw out the fighting and give your child more ammunition. Do it afterward, when he has calmed down and is ready to talk.
www.hybridmom.com/articles/family-parenting/parenting/6-things-you-should-never-say-your-child